Norah June, A Birth Story

On my flight home from NYC last October, I started writing a poem. My world was still shaky with Bri's death and my unexpected pregnancy, but I was desperate to find solid ground and to make peace with my body and my grief. So I wrote this poem, more out of awe that I could create life at a time when I felt so empty and depleted, but also out of longing to connect to a baby who I couldn't imagine as a part of my life, let alone my body.


Life created in the barren places
is green and fierce despite the howling wind,
harsh as it crawls begging through the canyons of my body.

You came to light in a desert place,
a landscape marked by uncertainty and distance.
And you brought with you
bones and stones and endless sky --
water enough to swell and stretch.

When the earth cries for relief from its sanctification,
will the skies answer
with a crash of light, a gathering darkness,
heat that writhes in red rising flood?

Flesh on flesh
skull to pelvis
When the pounding ceases
and the horizon clears,
will we be blossoming with life,
Or will we be drowned?

It's strange to read now, to share it now, knowing what happened in the weeks and months that followed. The clubfoot diagnosis. Sela's diabetes diagnosis. Feeling like my entire life had fallen apart and I was grasping at loose threads, desperately trying to hold my old, familiar life together, and left kneeling, empty-handed.

It's so difficult to write about the darkest period of my life, to fight the instinct to brush it aside, smile, and tell you how happy we are to have Norah here, how Sela is thriving, how everything is wonderful and perfect and pretty. I like to tell happy stories and share beautiful things. I like when things work out. I like my life to be neat and tidy and comfortable for everyone, or to at least seem that way when it's not. 

It's not easy or comfortable to tell you that I know what it's like to cry every day for an entire year, to feel grief, disappointment, and fear closing in at every turn, and to lay in bed every morning holding my breath and praying that Sela will wake up too. I know what it's like to wonder if I'll love and celebrate a child born with clubfeet, to face deformity without embarrassment, anger, or shame. I know what it's like to go to a therapist every week for months because I needed someone to sit with me while I cried for hours and allow me to empty the ugliness and smallness and pettiness from the darkest parts of myself.

Norah's birth story isn't an easy one to tell, even if the actual birth is a pretty straightforward, uncomplicated one. The experiences of the months, weeks, and even hours leading up to her birth are inseparable from this story, our shared story, and I can't explain the joy and awe without showing you the pain and heartache in equal measure.

a special birthday quilt

For Graham's birthday I made him a letter quilt, similar to the one I made for Sela a few years back. It's still a little weird for me to talk about quilting here, as I've always considered it to be such an old lady hobby. But maybe the time has come to finally embrace my inner granny and confess that one of my best friends is 85 years old, I get positively giddy over licorice allsorts, I'm in bed by 9:30 pm, and I spend most of my day wearing some variation of a muumuu and talking to old dudes about composting.

Hot, right?

Don't worry, I also know all of the words to Nicki Minaj's Super Bass and have spent an obscene amount of time following all the Laguna peeps from The Hills to The City, but so far I've managed to dodge the Audrina bullet. Don't even get me started on the whole (highly emotional) summer I dedicated to watching Teen Mom, or that I sometimes say hella cool - but only in my head. Promise.

I think I may have just realized why it's so difficult to find friends in my age bracket. Ugh.

This is really getting away from me, isn't it?

Quilting?  Right. I love it. I love the whole process of sorting through fabric scraps, piecing, and the hours of handwork. I think my favorite parts of Graham's quilt are the sweet prints I used from my grandma's stash, the extra pieces I added on the inside to make the quilt a bit wider (I didn't do this with Sela's and it is just a bit too narrow now that she's older), and that I paid my neighbor to machine quilt it for me. I love the look of hand quilting, but the thought of sitting under a quilt for 30+ hours in July just seemed insane. Quilting is more a wintertime activity for me, I think.

Graham loves it, and spends a lot of time making little boy forts and hiding out from dinosaurs and pirates. He likes having Sela point out his name and all of the G's, and it has proved to be an excellent road for all of his cars.

Here is the back of the quilt, including the letter:

You can see Sela's quilt here, and it has all of the info for ordering through Spoonflower. Also, I originally found the idea for the letter quilt on Sarah's blog, The Small Object.

graham is two

Graham turned two a few weeks ago, and we had such a great time celebrating with our family and friends. We met at a neighborhood park with tall shady trees, long grass, and a sweet river that runs right through. It was a fun little party with a table full of all Graham's favorites: Chocolate cake with meringue mushrooms (which I made while thinking of Miss Tess and her baby belly), Dunford donuts, buckets of various woodland/bear themed gummies and snacks, plenty of fruit, excellent cheese, and root beer floats. It was a beautiful evening full of all the people we love most chatting on picnic blankets, chasing after sweaty kids, and laughing late into the night.

Oh, what can I tell you about Graham?  He's hilarious and sweet, and always has the best jokes, even if they are usually full of naughty words. He spends most of his time running around our backyard completely naked, playing in the hose and stomping through the sprinklers. He is currently trying to learn how to play his guitar behind his head and balance a spoon on his nose. He loves to sing, dance, and tell ridiculous stories about snakes, spiders, and dinosaurs eating him all up.

He loves big hugs and even bigger kisses, cuddling ALL NIGHT LONG, and whispering funny (and soggy!) secrets in my ear. He's gentle, curious, and easy to please.

He's baby Graham, and he's magic.

The recipe for the yummy mushrooms is found here, and these genius invites by Anna Bond would have perfectly complimented our party theme had they arrived in time. Confusing text messages and hurried emails work well in a pinch though, right?

summertime in the city

We're soaking up our fair share of sunshine around here. Plenty of picnics, bathing suits, dear friends, and evenings spent exploring our favorite parks.

I really love Salt Lake City in the summertime.

summer is good for me

face paint. cherries. swimming suits. strawberry summer cake. fishing. sprinklers. garden roses. big plans. breakfast on the porch. muddy feet. road trip. little brown faces. snow cones. farmer's market picnic. talking things out. bird watching. a special birth party for a special mama-to-be. playing in the hose. endless questions about the habits of fairies. a visit to the sea. fresh herbs on everything. a weekend with the cousins. water guns. chasing kitties. new books and ideas. sweaty bouquets of wildflowers from quick little hands. long walks. garden planted and (miraculously!) growing.

movement. light. warmth. healing.


Photo Credit : SignePling

sela's envelopes

I was looking through some photos last night getting ready for a new project, and I came across these photos and realized I never shared them when I did the big rainbow party post. I think this is my favorite detail of Sela's birthday party, and I'm so glad I took a picture before addressing the envelopes and sending them out. I want to always remember Sela's sweet, wonky lettering and the true inspiration behind the whole party theme - her funny little rainbow drawings that fill all of her artwork these days.

four

There is something about four that is a bit harder to welcome than three. Maybe it has to do with the fact that there isn't even a whisper of her small baby self left in her now tall, thin body. The dimples on the backs of her hands have vanished, as have the bathing suits with ruffles on the bum and afternoon naps. With four comes underwear with the days of the week printed on the back, dreams of finally turning FIVE and kindergarten next fall, worries that Graham will somehow figure out a way to be older than her someday ("He is pretty sneaky, mom." She tells me when I tuck her in almost every night), and questions about whether or not I'll still be her mom when she has babies of her own.

"Will you be really super old when you're a grandma?"

"Does everyone die someday? Even me? I'll be really old and you'll be really old, right?"

"Mom, why do some people have to sleep under benches?"

"Geez, I wish everything I touched turned into doughnuts!"

"Dad! Dad! Look how pretty I am!"

Oh, four. I sure hope you're gentle with this mama heart of mine. Your questions are already a little harder to answer, the days seem to be passing a little faster than before, and I'm worried that I'll blink and you'll have come and gone forever.

Can I tell you what I love most about my shiny new 4 year old? It also happens to be the thing that drives me absolutely crazy, too (that's always how it happens, right?).

There is now halfway with this girl. 

No neutral ground, ever.

It's either wrong or right.

Black or white.

She's either in, or she's out.

She's either happy, or she's not.

She either loves you, or she doesn't.

But if she loves you? Man, she loves you. She will paint pictures of your cats and mail them the very same day. She'll call you as soon as she wakes up to talk about your favorite color. She will learn to write your name and will always include you in her prayers. She will hug you tight and kiss you on the mouth as you walk out the door. And she will never ever hesitate to forgive you if you've failed her in some way.

She loves you all the way, in and around and through everything you are, no matter what, no questions asked.

She's a pretty remarkable, totally ordinary miracle. She's bossy, stubborn, and completely maddening at times, but she's changed my life and changed my heart, both for the better.  And you know what? Not a day passes that I don't think how lucky I am to know her, to love her.

Happy Birthday, Sela!

I love you to the moony moon moon.

how are you, friends? well, i hope. things around my house have been CRAZY for the past month, but i hope to be sharing more regularly soon. have a great day, okay? XOXO

handmade valentine's day cards

For our valentines this year I knew I wanted to do two things, first on the list: pretty lined envelopes. I have always loved the look of envelope liners, but I have never attempted them before because I thought they would be too time consuming or difficult. But then I found this happy floral paper (the design kind of reminds me of Anna Bond's florals for Rifle Paper Co.) and I knew I had to at least give it a try. Luckily, once you create the template (I cut mine out of an old plastic folder) the cutting, folding, and gluing go pretty quickly (especially if you have a bag of Dove's dark chocolate cherry hearts + Netflicks). I'm really happy with how they turned out and I can't wait to try these fabric-lined versions that Chelsea from {frolic!} made for Project Wedding.

The second thing I wanted an excuse to buy to try was Japanese masking tape. I can't believe I've waited so long to buy some! It's super pretty and versatile - I've already used it on a bunch of projects and can't wait to order more colors + patterns. The tape was originally going to play a bigger part in my whole valentine vision, but after finishing the card design I decided to just use a bit to secure the photo (the tape comes off easily + doesn't damage photos, so grandparents can remove + use the photo long after Valentine's Day).

I'm really excited to send these off to our friends and family (Mom, Mary, and Aunt Faye, act really surprised when these arrive on Monday, okay?) tomorrow. I love sending little messages of love to the people who do so much to make my life happy + full. I am truly a lucky girl to be surrounded by such wonderful, generous, and lovely people day in and day out.

Are you making/sending valentines this year? Do you have any special v-day plans? Brian and I are going to this awesome dinner party on Saturday night that my parents are hosting. I'm really looking forward to lots of delicious food and spending the evening with Brian sans kidlets. Yay!

a quilt for a sunshine girl

Last November (as in 2009), I had a vision of two beautiful + bright quilts, hand quilted, of course, wrapped in thick red ribbon and carefully tucked under our tree just waiting for Christmas morning. I had big dreams + absolutely no experience in quilting. I spent all of November cutting + piecing + pinning + sewing, hours and hours were poured into these quilts before I realized that there was no way I could finish before Christmas. Carefully I folded them and stacked them neatly in my closet, vowing to finish them in January - maybe, just maybe in time for Valentine's Day.

Imagine my surprise when I found them this past November all pinned + ready for hand quilting! I spent most of November watching 50+ hours of Bones + Friday Night Lights (which i found surprisingly compelling, given that it's about high school football...) stitching away, and I managed to finish Sela's quilt 3 days before Christmas. Hooray!

And you know what? She loves it. Almost as much as she loves holding completely still + smiling RIGHT INTO THE CAMERA, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. She's a wiggly one, that sunshine girl.

the pattern I used was denise schmidt's flock of triangles. brooke has a great post about her daughter's flock of triangles quilt (with much better photos!) right here. i used this great tutorial for the binding, and found it incredibly helpful. i also want to try katie's 10 hour quilt sometime soon, it's so simple + beautiful.