home birth week : sela's birth

Welcome to home birth week, dear friends! I'm so excited to open my blog for this discussion. Birth is such a powerful experience for women and I'm looking forward to hearing your stories + sharing my own.

I do, however, have one small request before we begin. How women choose to give birth is such a deeply personal decision that I ask all of you to be respectful + kind in any of the comments you leave here, and I will also honor that request in all that I share with you during this week.

To kick off home birth week, I thought I would share the story of Sela's birth, since that is truly where my home birth experience begins, and I will end the week with the story of Graham's sweet birth.

I found out I was pregnant with Sela in August of 2006. I was 20 years old and had only been married since the beginning of June. Both Brian and I were completely shocked, to say the least, that we were going to be parents. Every evening we would sit on our small couch in our small apartment talking and planning for our future that suddenly included the tiny little person that we had created.

Up to this point in my life, I had never imagined how I would give birth. My only experience with birth was watching my little sister, Sophie, being born when I was 11. My mom gave birth in a hospital, and it was pretty quick and uneventful. I remember my dad holding her hand, rubbing her back, and speaking quietly in her ear. The doctor poked his head in a few times, checked dilation, and finally showed up right before Sophie was born. There were beeping machines, a television was on in the background, and a nurse brought me milkshakes. I remember watching in awe as Sophie's body emerged from my mother's, and wondered why the nurses took her so quickly away for weighing and measuring and washing. When they finally brought her back, all wrapped in a brand new blanket, I was the first to hold her.

My first and only experience with birth wasn't a negative one, although it is very different from what I eventually chose for myself. The doctor seemed kind, the nurses were helpful, and of course my dad was there to give support and love. When I picture my mother in labor, I see her sitting in the hospital bed in quiet discomfort, her eyes focusing intently on her round stomach. It is then that she makes an offhand comment that changes how I think and feel and envision birth for myself, a comment that I've carried with me for 14 years:

"It makes more sense to stand, I think. I feel like I'm pushing against gravity when I'm laying down here."

I doubt she even remembers saying this, but it shifted something inside of me. It made it possible for me picture a different birth.

When I found out I was pregnant with Sela I was working as a wellness counselor at Good Earth, a local health food store.  I worked closely with a group of women who had recently finished their doula training and had worked with women who had given birth at home. We spent a lot of time talking about birth, all of the different ways that women support other women through the birthing process, and how important it is to have a support system in place in order to have the birth you want.

One of the women, my dear friend Vanessa, was pregnant with her first child and planning a home birth. I think I probably made her crazy with all of my questions during those first months, but she always answered my questions in such a positive and confident way. She knew the kind of birth she wanted and she was making it happen. A few weeks before she gave birth, she invited me to a birth party that was being held to honor her transition into motherhood. It was such an amazing night. I remember how much love and support and laughter filled V's home, and felt such a strong sense of sisterhood with those women who believed in a woman's ability to give birth however she chose.

When I went home that night, I had made up my mind; I wanted a home birth. I wanted to be in my own home, making decisions about my own body, and surrounded by people who believed in me.

home birth week : q & a, part one

 

super sweet belly picture by the lovely andrea of hula seventy

What made you choose home birth?

There are a lot of different factors that went into my choice, many of which I shared on Monday.  My initial decision was based on my desire to create a positive, safe birth experience for me and my family, and I felt that in order to have control over my environment and body, I had to be in my own home.

I have spent countless hours reading and researching home birth, not to justify the choices I've made, but because I truly believe that women have a right to know what their options are and the benefits and risks involved in whatever birth they choose.

Did you know that the United States is ranked 33rd for infant mortality? It is safer to give birth in Cuba, Singapore, and Slovenia than it is to give birth in the United States. Doesn't that seem impossible? We have a country full of shiny clean hospitals that are staffed with trained medical professionals, AND we pay more for the care we receive than anywhere else in the world, yet somehow we are failing to keep mothers and babies safe.

When I was pregnant with Sela the cesarean rate for first time mothers was 38% at my local hospital and the national rate was 30.8%. These numbers are a result of a cycle of interventions that can be absolutely unnecessary and can make it impossible for a woman to feel in control of what is happening to her body.

I'm sure we have all heard groups of women talking about induction dates and how their doctors won't let them go past a certain date before they will induce labor. I have heard of doctors who have induced women because of upcoming holidays, family vacations, and even because it is just more convenient for the doctor if their patients give birth in the early afternoon.

Once labor is induced artificially through the use of pitocin, a synthetic form of oxytocin, your body can no longer regulate labor normally. Oxytocin is released in bursts, causing normal contractions to be irregular as labor begins, but makes it easier for women to rest between the contractions and handle the intensity of labor as it progresses. Oxytocin not only causes uterine contractions, but also sends a signal to your brain to release endorphins and adrenalin to help you cope with the intensity and pain of labor. Pitocin-induced contractions are stronger and typically closer together, causing a decrease of uterine blood flow which reduces the amount of oxygen the baby is getting. There is a decrease of uterine blood flow with natural contractions as well, but the duration and strength of the contractions are much shorter and the natural breaks between contractions protect the baby.

Because of these risks, all women who are given pitocin are also hooked up to a fetal monitor which greatly limits their movement, usually confining them to a hospital bed. When you couple painful artificial contractions with the inability to move freely to cope with the pain, it is easily understandable why many women choose to have an epidural.

Once women have been given an epidural and can no longer feel the pain of labor, their bodies stop producing oxytocin and the natural contractions slow down dramatically. This is when the doses of pitocin are increased, causing fetal distress and increasing the likelihood of a previously unnecessary c-section.

I know this isn't everyone's story and the last thing I want to do is give an inaccurate template for hospital birth. Babies are born in many different ways, and no woman has ever taken the easy way out when it comes to bringing babies into this world. I also know that pitocin and cesarean sections are important life-saving tools and I'm grateful for modern medicine and the knowledge and skill of obstetricians. I do, however, know many women who can call this story their own, and I have watched as they have processed these experiences that left them feeling confused, violated, and uninformed.

I could go on and on about why I made the choice I did, but all I can really tell you is that I know home birth with a trained, certified midwife to be a safe and beautiful experience, and was absolutely the right choice for my family.


What about circumcision?

Brian and I made the decision not to circumcise Graham, so I don't have first hand experience with this topic. However, I know you can make an appointment at the hospital and have the circumcision performed there in the days following the birth.


What are your thoughts on water birth?

I love it! I spent a lot of time in water during both of my labors, and I gave birth to Graham in my bath tub. I personally find the warm water to be very soothing and an effective tool in pain management.

How much does a home birth cost and does insurance cover any of the costs?

A home birth costs anywhere from 2-5k, depending on where you live or what your midwife offers in her practice. Many insurance companies will cover a portion of the costs, or even have a list of approved midwives they work with.


When is a good time to cut the cord?

I don't think there is any hard and fast rule on this. In hospital births, the cord is cut very quickly after birth, usually just seconds after the baby is born. I know some midwives wait until the cord has stopped pulsating, which signifies that the placenta is no longer sending blood to the baby. We waited about 2 hours after Graham's birth before we cut the cord (the placenta had been delivered intact just a few minutes after he was born) so he could benefit from the extra iron stores in the cord blood.


And that's all I've got for you today, kids! I'll post the rest of the q & a tomorrow, so make sure to check back. How is home birth week going for you guys? I'm completely overwhelmed by the kindness + positive feedback from all of you! Women are the best! Hope your Wednesday is awesome and I'll see you tomorrow! xoxoxox

let's talk about home birth

Did you know that I get more questions about home birth than anything else on this little blog? I get emails and comments full of questions about my personal experiences, epidurals + c-sections, the midwifery model of care, and it seems lots of people are wondering if I am absolutely out of my mind.

So I've decided to dedicate all of next week to everything home birth! Would you be willing to help me a little bit? I want to make sure I'm covering material that you will find interesting and will be relevant to you + the questions/concerns you have about the home birth experience.

Would you be willing to answer any or all of these questions? You can either comment on this post or send an email (rachelswandesign{at}gmail{dot}com). If you would like to remain anonymous, I will be allowing anonymous comments on this post.

Do you have any questions you would like me to address next week?
Is there any specific topic you would like to discuss?
Would you be interested in hearing personal experiences of women who have had a home birth?
What is it that interests you the most about home birth?
What kind of fears to you have about home birth? 
Have you had a home birth + would like to share your experience?


Thank you in advance for all of your help! I'm really looking forward to next week, I think this is going to be fun!

image by my mom, taken just seconds after sela was born. how cute is her wrinkly old man face? i can't believe she was ever that tiny! 

home birth week : an interview with briana blackwelder, a midwife

Can you explain exactly what a home birth midwife is and what you do?

A homebirth midwife is a maternity care provider that works with women and their families during pregnancy and postpartum to achieve the healthiest outcomes possible and to give birth in context of their lives. Usually this means that the woman labors and gives birth surrounded by her support people of choice (friends + family) in the place that is most familiar and comfortable to her, usually her home. A midwife is also someone that has lots of experience attending births and helping women to labor naturally, and a midwife has an abiding belief in the power of women to give birth to their children and to become mothers in the way that's right for them.

Summarizing what I do is pretty difficult, but I'll try to be brief. I provide nine months of prenatal care and even pre-pregnancy counseling. I come to the client's home when she is in labor and help to 'set the stage' for a peaceful birth as well as monitoring all physical conditions of mother and baby. I call another midwife or apprentice once labor is well underway, and I assist the mother to give birth and attend to her and her baby's well-being, ensuring a safe passage from pregnancy to postpartum. I stay for several hours after the birth to make sure everyone is stable and clean up the house. I visit the woman after she's given birth in her home on the first and third days postpartum, and we see each other for 6-8 weeks or until she is 'back to normal'.

How does it differ from a OB/patient relationship and birth in a hospital setting?

Care during pregnancy is entirely individualized to each woman and may include all testing that would be done through a typical obstetrician, or an entirely technology-free pregnancy if the mother so desires. Our appointments can last hours and a relationship of trust and friendship is built over the 9+ months. The focus of the pregnancy and birth is not merely on the physical, it's also about facilitating the developmental stage of life that motherhood is. We don't really have a place in our society to even discuss that transition, it seems many women are focused on diaper bags and strollers. I have watched many women and their husbands/partners become closer, better communicators, more at ease with their roles and relationships, and surrender to the changes inevitable in life. This is often the most important part of giving birth, and all the emotional preparation for that transformative moment can help parents experience birth for what it ultimately can be. 

What are three things about your job that bring you  joy and fulfillment?

Participating in the creation of families is truly joyous, it is one of the most exalting things we can do as people. Being a witness to women at their most powerful, getting to watch them learn that surrender can be their greatest strength, seeing them finally 'get it', feeling like I've actually made a difference in people's lives, and seeing women leave my office happier or at least with a better appreciation of life's processes. I love helping women through especially difficult births, ones that I know wouldn't have happened in a hospital or even with another midwife, getting to do that for them and give them the credit is the most fulfilling thing I can imagine. 

What kind of education, training, and skills are required to practice midwifery?

Requirements differ from state to state and in different countries, but I completed a 4-year program and apprenticed with several midwives. The skills required for the credential I carry (the CPM, certified professional midwife) are standardized by the North American Registry of Midwives and include everything needed for basic midwifery practice and well-woman care. I also had to complete a test after I met all of the training requirements in order to receive the CPM certification. Every 3 years, to renew my credential, I must do continuing education, participate in peer review, and keep skills up to date.

What kind of services do you offer women in your care and what are the costs involved?

A homebirth roughly costs anywhere from 2-5k depending on where you live. I charge $3000 and that includes a mid-pregnancy ultrasound, all lab work, birth kit with disposable supplies used at the birth (cord band, chux pads, peri bottle, all sorts of clean-up supplies, etc.) and a waterbirth tub & setup. I also include some really good prenatal vitamins from New Chapter, as well as commonly helpful herbs and other supplements as needed. I have a lending library at my office with books on everything from preconception to parenting, which my clients have access to during the course of their care. Prenatal care is the same schedule as an OB; visits every 4 weeks until the third trimester, then every 2 weeks, then every week the last month. When women go beyond 40 weeks, we see each other quite often, sometimes every other day. Usually there are at least 3 home visits aside from the birth (around 36 weeks, 24-hours postpartum, and 3 days postpartum) any other additional visits are also included as needed. I'm available by phone anytime day or night for 6 weeks surrounding the woman's due date, and before and after those weeks, I'm still quite available although I don't make any promises. Basically it's a killer deal. One local midwife's accountant calculated that she made about $1.25 per hour (not including recovery time). Having a midwife is luxurious!

What are the three hardest aspects of your job?

The schedule: long hours, being on call, not being able to leave town within 6 weeks of someone's due date. Feeling emotionally drained from doing lots of deep processing with women; hearing their concerns, griefs and worries. Bad outcomes, which affect me as much as the parents sometimes.

What are your personal beliefs regarding women and their bodies and birth?

Women are designed to do this work; and, although it is work, it can be the most fulfilling

accomplishment in a woman's life to grow a baby and give birth to her child. There is a belief that women's bodies are broken, that our physiologic norms are an inconvenience, that we need technology and medicine to give birth, and that aesthetic standards are the greatest thing that we can achieve with our bodies. I believe that feeling wonderful in our own skin and allowing our bodies to take the shape of a mother, to grow heavy with new life, gives us a far richer experience of what it means to be female. To accomplish the greatest human feat imaginable, reproducing another person, is a life-affirming achievement unique to women. 

Do you have any recommendations (articles, books, documentaries, etc...) for women who would like to learn more about home birth?

Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin (information and stories)

Pushed Birth by Jennifer Block (exposition of birth in the US today)

Birthing From Within by Pam England (preparation for a conscious birth)

Baby Catcher by Peggy Vincent (full of stories)

http://www.mothersnaturally.org/index.html

(the articles under the resources section are very good)
 http://www.childbirthconnection.org/

{the sidebars are full of great information}

The Business of Being Born (on netflicks)

Birth Into Being-Russian Waterbirth Experience (also updated version Birth As We Know It)

The Other Side of the Glass (birth experiences and effects on fathers and babies)


You can find Briana's website for her practice, Fern Midwifery, here. She also has a blog that is full of sweet photos of new brand new babies and interesting articles, which you can read right here. 

Thank you, thank you, Briana! You are such a wonderful friend and midwife, my life is truly better because I know you. 


XO Rachel

home birth week : graham's birth

I've spent the entire week thinking about what I would post today that hadn't already been covered in some way by all of my previous writings. On Monday I used Sela's story to share how I came to find home birth and to explain typical prenatal/postnatal care with a home birth midwife. Today, I would like to tell you about what I learned with my experience with Diane and what I took away from that relationship to help me better articulate the kind birth I wanted for Graham.

In home birth, as with any kind of birth, it's hard to anticipate what will happen or what kind of things will or won't work for you. For example, I found that during Sela's birth I hated being checked for dilation. It was painful, annoying, and I found it to be discouraging, especially when I didn't progress much (or at all)  from the last time she checked. I also knew that for Graham's birth I wanted to stay in the tub to deliver him. Diane didn't feel comfortable delivering babies in the water and had me get out of the tub before Sela was born. In her defense, we had never talked about the possibility of a water birth and I had no idea how much I would rely on the warm water to soothe my laboring body.

When I started meeting with Briana for prenatal visits, we spent a lot of time talking about Sela's birth. Briana was there as the assistant midwife and she is actually the one who 'caught' Sela. It was so great to have her listen to my concerns and to have her offer her insight and solutions to each of my fears. She assured me that as long as things progressed normally there would be no reason to check dilation, that she felt a water birth would be an excellent choice, and that she would be more than happy to help me achieve the kind of birth I wanted.

home birth week : q & a, part two

gorgeous image from radio canada via leigh's brilliant tumblr, the bean and the bear.

What is a doula?

A doula is a woman who provides non-medical support and care to a woman in labor. Doulas are trained in different laboring positions to help cope with pain, relaxation techniques, and massage. Doulas also act as advocates for their clients, making sure the woman's wishes + needs are met, acting as a buffer between the medical staff and the mother. Doulas also help encourage the father or partner to be as involved in the birthing process as they feel comfortable, providing information and acting as ally.

How do you feel about having older children present during a home birth?

I have been thinking a lot about this topic recently and I really believe that it depends on the age of the children and the number of adults present at the birth. When I had Graham, Sela had just turned two and was very curious about how the baby was going to come out. I had wanted to try  to have her present for the birth, but it just didn't work out. I was too focused on working through contractions and needed Brian's attention and support, so she spent the night at my aunt's house which is right around the corner. When she woke up the next morning, my aunt brought her over just in time for the newborn exam, and I felt it worked out well.

When I was talking to Briana about this topic last week, she said the key to having a successful experience is to have one adult for every child present, not counting the mother or father. I feel this is a great rule of thumb, especially if the labor runs long and the kids are feeling restless or anxious.

I'm hoping with the the next baby my children will be able to watch the birth, as I feel it's important for children to understand that birth is a normal, safe, and important event. Birth is an intense experience, not to mention messy and sometimes loud, but it is also a natural and normal experience, and I think the more exposure we can give our children, the more prepared and confident they will be as they go on and make their own choices.

What kind of pain management did you use?

I've never taken any childbirth classes or used any specific method to help me cope with the pain of labor, so I can't really vouch for any program specifically.

Here are the three things that helped me the most:

1) Yoga. I started practicing yoga regularly just months before I found out I was pregnant with Sela and continued my practice through both pregnancies. In yoga you are constantly using breath and meditation to help cope with physical discomfort and negative, discouraging thoughts. You learn to breathe through anything and to focus on letting go and embrace the experience for what it is. I used deep yoga breathing and even yoga poses to help me work through the contractions. It really helped my to accept the contractions and  to stop fighting against the important and necessary work they do by recognizing and saying to myself, "This is me. This is just my body giving birth. This is me."

2) Education. The more I know, the less I fear. I read (and continue to to read!) stacks and stacks of books, articles, and studies on childbirth. I watched videos of home births and talked to midwives, mothers, and doctors about the stages of birth and what to expect. I knew that with a home birth there is no option for a medicated birth, and so I made sure I was prepared long before labor began.

3) Support. I truly believe you can accomplish anything if you are surrounded by people who love you and are fully invested in supporting you through the journey of natural childbirth. It still brings tears to my eyes when I think of the tender hands and hearts that served me so tirelessly during the birth of my children. I can still remember the gentle words of encouragement whispered at the moment I thought I could go no further, "Rachel, you are doing a beautiful job. You are strong, even stronger than you know. Let's have a baby."

Ultimately, my support system gave me something I never could have achieved on my own: the beautiful, powerful and sacred experiences of bringing my children into the world on my own terms and in my own way.They made it all possible and then turned around and showered me with praise and love, giving me all the credit for something that I could have never, ever done alone.

Homebirth

****This post is in no way meant to be an attack on the choices you've made or the choices you will make concerning your body/baby/birth. I feel that women are the first to criticize how other women have chosen to give birth + parent, and I hope that I can convey my experiences in a supportive and loving way, while still presenting alternative, safe options for childbirth.****

My friend and midwife, Briana, posted these videos this morning, and I just had to share. I had my daughter, Sela, at home two years ago and I am planning a home birth for this sweet baby, also.

Home birth with a skilled, professional midwife is a safe option for a normal healthy pregnancy. Pregnancy and birth are not emergencies. Pregnancy and birth are not illnesses. Pregnancy and birth are natural, normal experiences that are uniquely feminine and hold a great amount of influence in a woman's life and our societies as a whole.

I recently finished Sheila Kitzinger's book, Rediscovering Birth, an anthology of the birth cultures found worldwide, and I couldn't help but mourn the lack of birth rituals in our culture, and how little respect we have for women and their roles as life creating, life carrying, and life bringing individuals. In the midwifery model of care you are in charge of your body and the things that happen to it during the prenatal, labor, and postpartum stages. You are empowered, supported and treated as an equal partner, you "manage" your birth.

I hope that you enjoy these videos, they are full of happy people with happy, healthy birth stories...

home birth week : link love

sweet photo from tthumper via the bean and the bear

Well, here we are, my friends, this is the last post of home birth week. It has been an emotional ride for me as I've opened my most private life (and slightly nudey photos!) for all to see, read, and discuss.

I hope that you were able to feel included and supported, no matter what stage of life you are in or how you've chosen to give birth. The true purpose of this series was to honor the powerful work that women do and to recognize all the different ways we grow and change and sacrifice to bring our families together.

Are you interested in reading more wonderful home birth stories? Here is a list of my favorites from around the web:

Leigh's wonderful blog Marvelous Kiddo is full of touching birth stories (she was kind enough to include mine this week!), including her own.

Ryan and Cole are some of the most awesome people I don't know, and Ryan's post on Tessa's birth is very honest and sweet. You can check out Cole's maternity series on his blog, Pacing the Panic Room.

Lovely Lindsey's story of her brand new Charlie babe had me in tears, as did her heartfelt post on Gavin's birth. Lindsey's mom, Cathy was also her midwife and you can read Charlie's birth from the perspective of a midwife/mama right here.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for following along this week and for being so open minded and kind. It's been great talking to old friends and brand new readers about something that I hold so close to my heart. Hope you all have a lovely weekend, and I'll catch you on Tuesday. XO

home birth week : wife vs. mother: a father's perspective, by Brian Swan

I have to admit that when Rachel told me she wanted to give birth to Sela at home, I didn't know how to react. I was surprised and concerned. I had always assumed that my life would follow the television cliches of birth; packing an overnight bag, planning a route to the hospital, and rushing out the door in pajamas in the middle of the night. Giving birth anywhere else hadn't ever occurred to me, and there were a couple more people that I was pretty sure had never had that idea either: my parents.

After taking a couple of weeks to wrap my mind around the idea, I approached my parents to drop the homebirth bombshell. In retrospect I can say that I did this much too soon, because I still wasn't sure that it was the best thing for my wife and unborn child. I mentioned that we would be having the baby at home as casually as I could, hoping that it would be accepted before anyone really realized what had been said. I knew my parents had heard, though, when I saw that my mom's eyes were the size of saucers. "I don't think that's a very good idea." she said when she had had a moment to calm down.

I repeated the thing that I had been using to reassure myself, "The hospital is only two miles away."

"If you hadn't been born in a hospital, you would have died!"

I shrugged. It was all I could do. I knew I had been sick when I'd been born and I really didn't have any way to reply to that.

Never one to jump into something without testing the water, my dad asked "How do you feel about it?"

That felt less like a question and more like somebody pulling aside the curtain while I was showering - I suddenly felt very exposed and uncomfortable. Truth was, I didn't know how I felt. I wanted to be supportive but I was scared that something would go wrong and that Rachel and I would forever blame ourselves for having made a decision that led to the loss of our baby. "I don't know," I said quietly.

"I think we're talking to the wrong person, then." Mom said.

"No, let me handle it." I replied.

I left my parents' house feeling like Rachel and I were making the worst decision of our lives and wondering how and if I would be able to put my foot down and insist on a "normal" hospital birth. I thought about what they had said about me being so sick when I was born, and how terrified I was of the same thing happening to our baby. It was much later in the pregnancy that I realized that the only place I could have contracted a disease was in the hospital. I began to wish that I had waited to talk to my parents so that I could have told them that if I hadn't been born in the hospital I wouldn't have died - that I probably wouldn't have ever been sick. I wished that I had been more supportive and trusting of Rachel's decision and known that she wouldn't decide to do something that affected her and our baby without thoroughly researching it and knowing the risks.

But it was too late.

After meeting with our midwife, Diane, I felt much better about the whole idea and was ready to have a homebirth.

My mom never made it that far.

The day finally arrived that Rachel went into labor, and I was surprisingly relaxed as we started putting the plans we'd made into action; I got a bed ready for Diane, hooked a hose up to the hot water in the laundry room so that we could fill the birthing tub, and followed Rachel as she paced around the house, annoyingly offering to get her anything she needed over and over again. I called my parents to tell them that labor had started, and they called a couple of times that night for updates.

Labor took a lot longer than I had thought. I wished that I could help speed things up or at least help Rachel get some rest. I could see that Diane was beginning to worry about Sela and Rachel as she furrowed her brow each time she took Sela's heartbeat. Diane put Rachel on oxygen and said it was time to get out of the tub and start pushing. At that exact instant our front door opened and it was my turn to have saucer-sized eyes; my mom had come to end the "hippy ritual" and get her granddaughter to a hospital.

Luckily, Diane wasn't in the mood to chat and she pointed at my mom and told her that she was helping. My mom helped to support Rachel as Sela was born. She hadn't supported our decision and hadn't been invited, but I was glad she came when she did. I haven't talked to her too much about homebirth since, but I know that she was surprised to see the professional care and personal support that Diane, Briana, and Liz gave to Rachel and Sela. She stayed for an hour or two after the birth to help clean up and took a load of laundry home with her.

The time leading up to Sela's birth was surreal; on the one hand I had a strong and knowledgeable wife and her incredibly supportive family, friends, and midwife, on the other I had the friction and difficulty of winning my parents' respect and support of the decision that we'd made and of convincing myself that it was right. I couldn't have asked for a better resolution. The panic that I felt when my mom burst through our front door had been completely replaced with peace and happiness by the time she took the bundle of wet towels and rags home with her.

It may seem odd that so much of my first child's birth revolved around my mother, but at the time I felt stretched between the scientific logic of my mother and the peaceful decisiveness of my wife. I went into the experience with all of the concerns that my mom had voiced and left it knowing it was exactly what Rachel, Sela, and I needed to do.

Sela's birth did something else; it built upon the feeling of "home" that I felt in that little basement apartment. Every day I would be reminded of Rachel laboring calmly in the birthing tub, of kissing the back of Rachel's neck and whispering in her ear as she pushed, and of seeing Sela's scrunched-up face and hearing her cry for the first time. I would remember all of these things because it happened right there, in our apartment where we lived and laughed and loved every single day.

Had you told me five years ago that I would be such a staunch supporter of homebirth, I would have laughed until I turned blue. But I have since become quite the advocate of homebirth and I don't doubt that most of my coworkers and friends are tired of hearing me blather on about how much more peaceful a homebirth is than in the hospital, how it can be just as safe as a hospital birth, how I recommend they look into birthing centers if they're not sure about a birth at home, and how I push Birthing From Within like it's an old Buick and I'm a used car salesman. I am now convinced that more people need to know that the hospital isn't the only option and that they can have a safe and healthy baby in the peace and comfort of their own home.

Thank you, Brian for sharing such a sweet perspective of our shared story. I feel so lucky to have this guy as my partner in making and bringing our babies into the world. We make a pretty great team, if I do say so myself. :)

little miss midwife

As I've mentioned before (here and here), I have my babies at home. The prenatal visits with a home birth midwife can be a bit different than with an obgyn. They are often longer, more personal, not as invasive, and usually include the older siblings in the exam to help them feel part of the experience.Sela loves my midwife Briana and always looked forward to coming to my prenatal appointments when I was pregnant with baby Graham. She loved watching Bri measure my growing belly, listen to heart sounds, take my temperature + blood pressure, and fill out my chart. It was not only fun to see how interested Sela was in all of Bri's instruments, but it was important to me that she witness the knowledgeable, skilled, and tender practices of midwifery + how women support other women in birth.

For the past few months, Sela has been talking a lot about doctors and midwives and babies. Her baby dolls are usually found tucked up under her shirt covered in band aids, and we have this conversation a few times a week:

Sela: "Ummm...are you going to have a baby soon?"
Me: "Not anytime soon, lovey."
Sela: "Are you sure? Your tummy looks like..."
Me: "Don't even say it..."
Sela :"...a ball!"
Me, putting the jar of Nutella away and mumbling something about never missing a yoga class again.
Sela: " Don't worry mama, I'll be your midwife!"

So for Christmas, I put together a midwife kit for Sela (you know, just in case my ballish tummy turns out to be baby after all. JUST KIDDING.), and it was a huge hit. I'm a big believer in giving kids real tools, not plastic toy imitations, for play. I think it helps them understand better the world around them, enriches their play experiences, and makes them feel special to be trusted with important + real tools.

Here are a few things I tucked into her kit + the sources, if you are interested in making your own midwife or doctor's kit :

1. Stethoscope :: AllHeart $6 :: I loved all of of the color options.
2. Digital Thermometer :: Walmart $3
3. Measuring Tape :: Hobby Lobby $2
4. Midwife Clip :: I made it out of wool felt, embroidery thread, a clip, and hot glue
5. Penlight :: AllHeart $3
6. Reflex Hammer :: AllHeart $5 :: This isn't a tool that midwives have, but I thought it would be a fun addition.
7. Oral Syringes :: Walmart $1 :: Sela uses these to give shots. Again, not really something a midwife uses, but something Sela has a lot of questions about + has fun using on all of us.
8. Blood Pressure Cuff :: Amazon $11 :: This is a pediatric model, so it's perfect for little kids. It's fun to watch her figure out how to put it on + watch the dial as the cuff puffs up with air.

Not pictured:
Tube of "prenatal vitamins" : cherry tic tacs
Appointment cards my sister-in-law made that Sela loved so much she used them all the first day
Various wraps, gauze pads, and way too many Hello Kitty band aids.
Oh, and the box! I tried and tried to find some kind of cool, vintage doctor's bag, but ended up just buying a clear toolbox. Everything fits nicely + stays organized, plus she can actually carry it around - which is nice because most of the bags I looked at were way too big for her to carry.

Here is the label I designed for the outside of her box:

It's pretty simple, a lot of fun, and much cheaper than most of the other doctor's kits I found. Sela loves trying to find our heartbeats, peer into our ears + throats with her penlight, and measure her baby dolls.

Do your kids play doctor? Do you think it's crazy I let my almost four year old play with a real blood pressure cuff? Have you seen any cute doctor kits around?

Norah June, A Birth Story

On my flight home from NYC last October, I started writing a poem. My world was still shaky with Bri's death and my unexpected pregnancy, but I was desperate to find solid ground and to make peace with my body and my grief. So I wrote this poem, more out of awe that I could create life at a time when I felt so empty and depleted, but also out of longing to connect to a baby who I couldn't imagine as a part of my life, let alone my body.


Life created in the barren places
is green and fierce despite the howling wind,
harsh as it crawls begging through the canyons of my body.

You came to light in a desert place,
a landscape marked by uncertainty and distance.
And you brought with you
bones and stones and endless sky --
water enough to swell and stretch.

When the earth cries for relief from its sanctification,
will the skies answer
with a crash of light, a gathering darkness,
heat that writhes in red rising flood?

Flesh on flesh
skull to pelvis
When the pounding ceases
and the horizon clears,
will we be blossoming with life,
Or will we be drowned?

It's strange to read now, to share it now, knowing what happened in the weeks and months that followed. The clubfoot diagnosis. Sela's diabetes diagnosis. Feeling like my entire life had fallen apart and I was grasping at loose threads, desperately trying to hold my old, familiar life together, and left kneeling, empty-handed.

It's so difficult to write about the darkest period of my life, to fight the instinct to brush it aside, smile, and tell you how happy we are to have Norah here, how Sela is thriving, how everything is wonderful and perfect and pretty. I like to tell happy stories and share beautiful things. I like when things work out. I like my life to be neat and tidy and comfortable for everyone, or to at least seem that way when it's not. 

It's not easy or comfortable to tell you that I know what it's like to cry every day for an entire year, to feel grief, disappointment, and fear closing in at every turn, and to lay in bed every morning holding my breath and praying that Sela will wake up too. I know what it's like to wonder if I'll love and celebrate a child born with clubfeet, to face deformity without embarrassment, anger, or shame. I know what it's like to go to a therapist every week for months because I needed someone to sit with me while I cried for hours and allow me to empty the ugliness and smallness and pettiness from the darkest parts of myself.

Norah's birth story isn't an easy one to tell, even if the actual birth is a pretty straightforward, uncomplicated one. The experiences of the months, weeks, and even hours leading up to her birth are inseparable from this story, our shared story, and I can't explain the joy and awe without showing you the pain and heartache in equal measure.

Bringin' Home the Bacon...

I thought that since I'm using this blog to show some of my work, I had better start showing some of my work. The photographs are all by Photo Art by Rebecca, my boss and mom. I actually prefer to do family albums, but I enjoy doing wedding albums, wedding announcements, birth announcements, birthday invitations, sign-in books.....whatever your graphic design needs may be, I'm sure I can figure it out! So if you're ever interested send my an e-mail and I would love to work with you!

I'm it! I'm it! I'm it!

I know everyone is so over the whole tagging thing, but I don't care, this is my first time! 

A big thanks to super cool Melanie, from You Are My Fave, who always makes me feel super cool, too.

Here I go...

What are the last three things you purchased?
1. The new(ish) Apartment Therapy book
2. Green Apple Gelato
3.Watercolor of a lovely lady from Sego Art Center

What are the last three songs you downloaded?
1. Outrageous by Paul Simon
2. A whole bunch of Adele
3. Dan in Real Life soundtrack

What are the last three places you've visited?
1. Cedar City, UT
2. Portland, OR
3. Ummm.....IKEA?

What are your three favorite movies?
1. I Am Sam
2. Bridget Jones's Diary
3. Juno

What are your three favorite possessions?
1. Bob Dylan CDs, books, and DVDs
2. Heirloom rocking chair
3. My tiny vegetable + flower garden

What three things could you not live without?
1. Yoga
2. A good bra
3. My daughter's afternoon nap

What would be your three wishes
1. That I could be a chef, yoga instructor, interior designer/stylist, master gardener, art museum curator, and a good mom, simultaneously.
2. That I could take my family to live abroad.
3. That I could magically try out other people's lives for awhile.

What are three things you haven't yet done?
1. Watched the Harry Potter movies
2.Taken a yacht around the Mediterranean
3. Given birth in a hospital

What are your three favorite dishes?
1. Roasted fig, leek, rosemary, and blue cheese pizza
2. Beet salad
3. Panna Cotta

Name three things that freak you out.
1. The dark
2. Eyeballs
3. Factory farmed meat

Name three unusual things that you are good at.
1. Directions
2. Centering things (picture frames, furniture, anything on paper...)
3. Making frosting

What are the three things you are currently coveting?
1. Amy Butler's home
2. Antique French Sunburst Mirror
3. Cecily boots from BR

I tag anyone who hasn't been tagged, mainly because I think everyone has already had the chance to do it. If not, consider yourself tagged and LET ME KNOW! I would love to read more about all of you!

Happy tagging!

image via ffffound

hello, world...

Graham Emery Swan was born at home on July 17th. He weighed 8 lbs.(!!!) and was 20 inches long. His birth was absolutely beautiful. Fast, peaceful, gentle, and in my very own bathtub. He is quiet, sleepy, and incredibly curious. We love him to the moon-y moon moon(as Sela would say).


This little guy has changed every aspect of our life so far and we are still trying to find our footing. The adjustment has been the hardest for Sela, and my heart broke 100 times a day for the first few weeks as I watched her struggle with her new world. She would look at me like I was a traitor, her eyes quietly saying, "remember when you said you loved me the most? remember when you rocked me and kissed me and every second of every day was spent building a special little place in the world for just you and me?" I would cry and hold my beautiful daughter, so sorry that this is so hard to understand, so sorry she had to accept a new place in our family, and so sorry that things would never ever be the same.

But we are working it out. Everyday is getting a little better, easier.

The other evening as I watched Graham snoozing on Brian's chest, curled up and content, and my naked 2 year old running around my disaster of living room with her imaginary friends, Lilo and Stitch, I couldn't believe how much I love this messy, crazy life. Even with leaky boobs and this stretched out, exhausted body, I am happy.


How lucky we are to open our bodies, hearts, and lives just a little more, and surrender to change and the temporary insanty, all for the sake of love.

p.s. a few of you have asked about the new blog, For The Littles. It's mostly just to help me remember what I want to get the kiddos for Christmas and the like. You're welcome to take a peek, but I can't promise that it will be exciting or regularly updated.